A man tells his wife that he's going
out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he
finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the
bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a
few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He
has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in
this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable
time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill
me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.
When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and
she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar,
had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept
with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He
shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
A Guy is driving his girlfriend
home when she decides she wants to go to her friends
instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells
her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he
drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all
her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her
that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the
steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help
and she replied that she couldnít because she didnít have
any clothes on. He replies, ďTake my shoe and cover your
snatch with it, and go for help!?/font>
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas
station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my
boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies,
"Iím sorry, I think he's too far in."
A husband comes home to find his wife with her
suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do
you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las
Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I
figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and
comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm
coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800
Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell.
When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him
three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door
and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the
ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! Thatís not
how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to
the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh
chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no!
Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr,
chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees
giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm,
looks okay to me. Iíll take it." The Devil then says,
"Good. Hey Monica, youíve been replaced."
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and
asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear,
but I think your grand father knows one." So the little
girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny
says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?"
The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my
lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you
feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa,
"Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
One day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really
want to see that movie that just came out, can I please
go watch it." The dad replies, "Only if you suck my
dick." the girl refuses but says, "please dad, I really
really really want to go to the movies." The dad says
again, "Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you."
Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon
as she does, she leaps back and goes "Eewwww, it tastes
like shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted
to go to the movies too."
A young boy and his father were in a store when they
walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young
lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things
daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why
do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied,
"The packs with one are for the high school boys, one
for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the
college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and
the ones with twelve in them are for the married men,
one for January, one for February, one for March...."
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to
go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through
and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The
dwarf stares and says "Youíre the biggest man I have ever
seen". The man nods his head, and replies " Iím 6-9,
weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner
Brown.?The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf
asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said Iím
6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner
Brown.?The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing.
ďFor a minute there, I thought you said ĎTurn
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the
front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's
inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out
too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the
bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots,
but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very
lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the
first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old
lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He
is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and
says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of
the house says "Oh thatís the Robinsonís, they're both
deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's
telling her to go fuck herself!"
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties
to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got
home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got
home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her
panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says
smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do
that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"
One day this girl was talking to her friend and she
said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for
Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my
legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why?
Don't you have a vase?"
Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start
going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head
back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was
better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
As a painless way to save money, a young couple
arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts
his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside
table. One night while being unusually athletic, he
accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are
handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife
"What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which
replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach
when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband
covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried
her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp
was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested
the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his
penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he
felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he
couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you
objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly
undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the
woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the
doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes.
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to
drown the little bastard!."
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom,
and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What
the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the
stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends
six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant.
Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter!
Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells,
"There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of
here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly
takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and
shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you
are. You spent most of last night with your face full of
hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd
have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"